Weight Gain and Social Anxiety

I've never been a real small girl and I've always have had issues with my weight. However, the social anxiety that I experienced didn't happen till after my first pregnancy. Before becoming pregnant with my oldest son, I was serious about weight training and losing weight. I was working out 6 days a week and playing competitive softball on the 7th day. Then we got the positive pregnancy test and I slowed down big time. I still played ball but the workouts stopped and the pregnancy weight piled on. I was around 215 when I became pregnant and ballooned up to 285 by the end of my pregnancy. I did what a lot of first time pregnant women do, I ate what I wanted and became inactive. I thought that the weight would just drop off once I had the baby. Oh how silly I was. When I went in for my check up after my son was born, the scale flashed back 285!!!! WHAT!?!??!?!?! But I just had an almost 9lbs baby! Surely I would have AT LEAST dropped 9lbs!! 

                                            This was me a few months before getting pregnant

                                     2 days before my son was born

At my son's 1st birthday

I started to really hate my body and I tried to hide from it. I refused to look at myself in the mirror and hid my body in pictures. Half the time I was the photo taker and refused to even be in photos. I was ashamed of my body and what I looked like. Even though this body housed my son for 40 weeks, I thought that it had failed me. In reality, I had failed my body by filling it with over processed foods and being inactive. This was just the start of this mental downward spinal. 

I felt alone the first few years of my son's life. Not only was I unhappy with the way I looked, I was also dealing with my son's developmental delays and finding answers for him. We didn't have much support the first year of Dylan's autism journey. Many people made me feel like I didn't know what was best for my son and that Dylan was "just behind." They would say things to make me feel like I was just a lazy mother and that's why he was behind. This didn't help when I was already in a dark place with myself. 

The anxiety and depression grew along with my waistline. It was getting so bad that I didn't want people to see me. I dreaded running into old friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. It became so bad that when my best friend would call and ask to do something I would make excuses not to go. I wanted to hid away and only go to places that I knew we wouldn't run into people I knew. 

My lowest point with my anxiety happened when our oldest was just a baby. A friend of my husband's was getting married and invited us. I had never met any of my husband's work friends and I was scared of what they would think of me. My mind kept imagining what his co-workers were thinking. Phrases such as "Wow, Daryl could do so much better." and "Wow, she is fat!" kept popping up in my head. I didn't want people to think less of my husband because he had a fat wife. After we dropped my son off with my mom, we headed to the wedding. I felt a knot in my stomach and it kept growing with every mile that we got closer. We sat in the parking lot of the venue and that knot made it's way up to my throat and poured it's way out of my eyes. I sobbed so hard because I was so scared to meet this people and have their judging eyes on me. My husband is one of the few people that can calm me down in situations like this. He loves me for who I am and not for what the number on a scale reads. He calmed me down and all night he would just tell me how beautiful I was. All those people that I thought would be passing judgment on me, turned out to be a great group of people. I knew after this that I had a problem with social anxiety and I needed to overcome this demon.  I never wanted to feel that way ever again. 

I still have challenges with social anxiety but I don't let them control me anymore. I know that I can't let this get in the way of living. It's a daily battle that I must push pass. Somedays are better than others and other days I just want to stay hidden inside. But I know that in order to do the things I want to do in life I have to be willing to put myself out there and let the World see me for who I am. 

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got came from my trainer. He told me to remember the saying "I am you, and you are me." Which basically means that we are all the same. We are all particles of matter thrown together. No one is better than the next person, we are all the same. This phrase has helped me get through a few situations. Examples would be my son's IEP meetings and an incident that happened at my youngest son's therapy. A trigger for me has always been authority figures. I had one of the therapist talk down to me (Not my son's, it was another therapist using the room at the same time we were) in a condescending way. I repeated the phrase over and over and it calmed my nerves. Before this technique I would have been in tears. 

I know that many people have anxiety far worse than I do. Please know that it doesn't make you weak. You don't have to battle anxiety alone. There are many doctors out there that specialize in anxiety disorders. Everyone has their own triggers and knowing what mine are has helped me greatly. If you know someone who is battling anxiety the best thing you can do is be there for them. Having a support system has been my greatest help.  

Until next time, Stay Strong Iron Family.